I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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