I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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