we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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