she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
