He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
