it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
