So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
