Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
