the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
