god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
