Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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