he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
