I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
