I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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