So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
