Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
