You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
