I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
