So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
They have beer where we have blood.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
