I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
