My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
