i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
