I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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