Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
