The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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