There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
