cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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