If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she pinky promised me she was 18
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
