i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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