just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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