turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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