I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
