I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
