I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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