Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
They have beer where we have blood.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
