he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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