I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
