Cold hands, warm shart.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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