So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
