Already got asked if we're dating
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
