You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
