Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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