i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
