just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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