Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
