He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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