you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
zippers are such a cool invention
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize