I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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