she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
