Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
