maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
