If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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