after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
