my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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