I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
don't judge my taste in strippers
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He literally asked permission to hit on me
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize