i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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