Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
