he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize