Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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