why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We need a shit load of segways right now
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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