You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
